Sunday, September 16, 2012

Introducing "Lithic Fragmentation"

Lithic Fragmentation is a bold new therapy designed to reclaim the lives of otherwise worthless human refuse who have fallen into shame and degradation. These poor dregs of former human life, forced to endure their hundreds of millions of dollars of unearned wealth, or to exercise their power as leading yet corrupt members of our society, now have a way to correct the course of their formerly pointless lives and learn new and better skills.

The process of Lithic Fragmentation is simple yet subtle. It begins with the therapy candidate being volunteered by their fellow citizens in local "therapy committees" where suitable candidates are proposed, discussed and elected, all without the concern or knowledge of the potential therapy receiver. We do this for their own good and we have no doubt that they appreciate all the effort that is expended on their behalf.

The therapy process continues with the transfer of all their wealth to the therapy centers. This totally voluntary wealth transfer, which is provided for them at no cost and without them having to do anything, is the second part of their therapy. By receiving their ill-gotten wealth, we selflessly take on the burden, and the therapy receivers immediately experience a great sense of relief at not having the guilt associated with their ill-gotten and undeserved riches.  Already the therapy receivers can sense a great improvement in their lives.

Before we get to the core of the therapy, the patient is relocated to special centers which are dedicated to this work.   These centers are located in beautiful parts of our great country such as Death Valley or the Jornada del Muerto.  Each patient is given their own private suite with bed and private bath and a view of the stark yet beautiful countryside.  In order to foster a serious feeling of dedication, they are given new clothes for their stay which are simple, comfortable and distinctive with fashionable black stripes on a white background.

Every day at dawn, our therapy receivers are led to a new location, filled with big rocks. There, armed with only a simple hammer, the therapy recipient proceeds to turn big rocks into small ones, hence the term "Lithic Fragmentation".  Oh, how happy they will be as they realize that for the first time in their lives they are doing something productive with their own two hands!  How eagerly they will return each day for the pleasant 12 or 16 hours of daily exercise outside and in nature continuing this process!  With each rock that they fragment, they will experience a great sense of pride and feeling of accomplishment!  No more a life of shame for these lucky men and women!

And there is other symbolism as well. That big chain that connects them to their fellow therapy receiver? That is the "great chain of being" that reminds them that we are all connected on this planet, and have a responsibility to each other, unlike their former, disgusting lives before therapy.

At the end of the day, the happy fragmenters return to their individual cells and receive a healthy bowl of soup and a solid 4-6 hours of sleep before the next day of self-improvement begins.

There are other aspects to this therapy that are used to enrich the lives of the therapy receivers. For example, therapy providers "Jerome" and "Big Julie" give private and personalized therapy to worthy candidates, all of whom report a unique and transforming experience.   In addition, the therapy receivers can look forward to regular sessions of group discussion in which they criticize their prior lives and actions in a spirit of honesty and sincere desire to reform. Usually one therapy receiver in particular is the subject of this therapeutic group criticism.

After an all too brief period of self-improvement, rarely more than 10 or 12 years except in special cases, the happy fragmenter returns to the world, a changed and much better person, and with a prestigious certificate to indicate successful completion of the course.  

Here is a picture of happy therapy receivers awaiting a personal session with Jerome and Big Julie.

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